Forgiveness, key to fixing a relationship

photo by psd

For this Four14 talk, I will not have much time to share about the key to restoring broken relationships--forgiveness.

Forgiveness far exceeds an apology. In fact, I believe the apology is an unbiblical substitute.

There is a stark contrast between "I was wrong, I seek your forgiveness" and "OK, I'm sorry." The biblical pattern of seeking forgiveness includes taking responsibility for your wrong actions. It also involves the other person by causing them to have to make a decision--to forgive or not forgive. You put the decision squarely "into their court."

The biblical practice of forgiveness is easily understood if you take a moment to think about it. The challenge is obeying, putting it into the practical life moments everyday.

Forgiveness is a commitment, not a feeling. If a person admits their wrong and seeks your forgiveness, then you are obligated to forgive them (Luke 17:3-4). If you say, "I will forgive you," you are making a commitment to the following : Key verse (Jeremiah 31:34b)

• Not dwelling on the offense in your own mind


• Not bringing it up to the other person


• Not bringing it up to anyone else.

When you must seek forgiveness (Matthew 5:23-24), then you say something like, "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

• The offended person has the choice to say yes or no.


• Regardless of his response, you have done your part in restoring the relationship and have thereby please God and folllowed His truth.

When someone is seeking your forgiveness (Matthew 18:15-20), then you forgive by:

• Saying, "I forgive you."


• Not dwelling on the offense in your own mind


• Not bringing it up to the other person


• Not bringing it up to anyone else.

This may read like it's too easy or way too complicated for you, but hang with me. God's prinicples can make a difference in your life. It has in mine.

But you might say, what about this, "Do you have to forget before you can forgive?" No.

Forgiving is an active process. It is the discipline of not calling the offense to your mind (i.e. not reminding yourself of it). It includes replacing the thought of the offense with biblical thinking each time the offense comes back to your mind. Forgetting is the passive process that occurs with time as you do not give in to the temptation to regurgitate and mull over the original offense.

Or you may overthink this by saying, "What if I have a wrong attitude (i.e. hatred, anger, lust, etc.) or bitterness or even a wrong thought toward another person? Should I go and seek forgiveness for that?

No. You should only go to him/her if he/she is aware of your sin through your actions. He/she must know of your offense (Matthew 5:23-24) before you need to go. Of course, it is necessary to seek God's forgiveness for any sinful attitude, thought, or action.

Forgiveness is the key to restoring a broken relationship. Its the first board placed in the bridge that can reunite and renew a relationship; yes, even one that is severely damaged. May God give you the courage to forgive and utilize this key in all your relationships.